Jealous Down

A recurrent theme, then, Jealousy. There’s ‘Your Colour is Green’ over in the poetry section and I recently found myself going even further with this…

They met in of those city pubs that start to fill as offices empty, but that thin out early as commuters drift home to the suburbs. Julia, vivacious and lively, was with colleagues from the recruitment agency at which she worked as a senior administrator, managing schedules, contracts and commissions with organised ease. Clients, candidates and staff all loved her. Dan was a trader in the city.  He was charming and witty, and they soon became an item, occasional dates becoming more regular. Their future together looked assured.

The irony is, it was Julia who was born under the sign of the Scorpion, one of whose character traits is well documented to be jealousy, but it was Dan’s green streak, running deep and wide that destroyed her.

Julia had seen it coming, if she was honest, but she was blinded by love – her own for him and by the belief that it was his passion for her that led to what at first were petulant outbursts. The first time, early on in their relationship, was endearing. They were travelling home together on the 17:43. They rarely managed to catch the same train, but today they had collided at the barrier. They had been thrilled to get their timing right, and to find seats together.

Then she glimpsed a regular commuter on the train over Dan’s shoulder, acknowledging him with a small nod and an almost imperceptible smile. Dan observed her facial expression, swung around to check in the direction of her look and saw the object of her silent greeting.

 ‘Do you know him?’ He fired at Julia as he turned back to her, stony faced.

‘No, of course not. I just see him most evenings on this train. We’re fellow travellers on the ride home, which is dreary when you’re not here, my love.’

Mollified, Dan nevertheless pushed his point home, ‘I could have sworn you flashed him one of your special looks. I thought those were only for me.’

‘They are,’ she said, squeezing his knee and dismissing the incident.

But the frequency and intensity of his outbursts became more pronounced. The provocations became more irrational, until even fictional characters, and once, an actor, became the object of his rage – or rather she was the object of his rage because she had dared to admire them, or comment on them in a favourable light.

‘So if Brad Pitt walked in here now, you’d leave me for him…is that what you’re saying?’ had been the nonsensical direction of one of his arguments.

‘Don’t we all have a hall pass for someone?!’ Julia tried to make light of it but in truth was dismayed at the absurdity of having to defend herself against the likelihood of Brad Pitt appearing in her apartment and whisking her off her feet.

‘You can have one for Charlize Theron, anytime she calls you for a date!’

Dan simply glared at her, withering her with his disapproval and the subject was closed. He moved on, leaving the incident to rankle and fester. Afterwards, there was always a belated apology, contrition and make up sex that was the pattern of these verbal engagements.

Julia began to question herself and to have an apology ready for whenever she transgressed his boundaries of acceptable actions or words. She knew the triggers and tried to avoid them, but somehow the occasions on which she slipped up were alarming. Dan’s reproaches grew more menacing although he never laid a finger on her.  Their interactions were reminiscent of those with her mother, whose words and facial expressions but no physical threat, had been more than enough to instil fear in Julia as a child.

Dan began to exert more influence over her. It was insidious, and she barely realised its impact. He accompanied her on shopping trips, whether for groceries or personal items. It went without saying that clothes couldn’t be even remotely revealing. Or her cosmetics too fragrant or colourful. Her accessories became subdued and she stopped wearing the flamboyant outfits for which she had once been known.

After the changes to her outward appearance, changes in her behaviour and confidence became more marked. She was more withdrawn and less talkative. She had started to mould herself according to Dan’s expectations of appropriate behaviour.

She retreated into herself and was afraid to speak up. Her work began to suffer as she was often distracted. Even her time keeping became regimented as Dan insisted they travel into and home from work on exactly the same train. Getting ready in the morning became a nightmare as she dared not be late for the 8.10. Getting out of the office each day at exactly the same time became a bone of contention with colleagues, as she sometimes left work unfinished, promising to complete it in the morning as the 17:43 became a daily ritual not to be deviated from.

Dan spent more and more time at her flat – popping home infrequently, for a change of clothes, to pick up mail or to check on his own apartment. His financial contribution to her expenses meant that the influence he exerted over her now extended, by virtue of his paying for it, to what they ate, or more important what she ate and how much she could consume. He monitored her every mouthful, claiming that he cared how she looked. She wondered what difference it made if she grew fat or thin, since he was the only person that saw her, as in between home and work, they had no social life.

She stopped seeing people or going out alone. Her friends had stopped calling and asking to meet, after two or three occasions on which Dan had insisted on joining her.  His need to control the evenings’ narratives had been evident, and Julia’s capacity to speak for herself so diminished that old acquaintances no longer sought out her company.

Their solicitous phone calls yielded only assertions that she was fine and happy and that hers and Dan’s relationship was a meeting of the minds and that she wanted him with her at all times.

In reality, she was completely and utterly stifled and unsure of how to extricate herself from a relationship dominated by his petty jealousies. She decided there was no easy way and that she simply and clinically had to break it off.

The day after the showdown – for there was no other way to describe Dan’s ranting and railing against her, how she was unworthy, was ugly and useless and that she would not find another man ever, she managed nevertheless to drag herself out of bed and prepare to go to work. She was drained from the protracted monologue he had spat at her, and from his vitriol but devastated at his final departure from her life. As much as she wanted the torture to end, she still loved him.

On the platform waiting for the 08:10 – the old habit was going to be hard to break – she saw him making his way, head down towards her. Then, she lost sight of him in the morning crowd, relief flooding through her that he was avoiding a confrontation She saw the train in the distance, curling its way around the final bend to the station. The next minute there was a hand in the small of her back, a push and the last thing she remembered was the rails rising up to meet her and the screech of the train’s wheels.